To you, my friend...

I know this isnt a phase this time. I know there's no I hope he gets better. I know there's no use in rushing you to the vet in a hopeless panic and there's no vet thre to save my baby. I know the end is coming faster and faster and I'm trying to keep myself together so I can make you feel as comfortable as I can before you must leave me for good. I know you hear me when I talk to you, you've proved it many times before. And I know you can sense my sadness, so while you're asleep, I'll let it go but once I come back to check on you, I'll hold it in. I dont want you to know I'm sad, I know you know I'll miss you, and I want that to be enough.

It's crazy, you know. Just last week you were fine. You were being silly, you would come down the tube with ease, squeaking your butt off and you'd drink water and go back to your bed & sleep. No matter how many times you did it through the night, I'd wake up, force myself to flip over and watch you. Because I knew that that could be the last time I'll see you do something so simple with ease. I cant be mad at myself, I've spent every moment I could with you. I've never missed a time you came down searching for me no matter what I was doing, knowing you were awake I'd rush to your cage and talk to you. I've tried to capture every favorite moment of you on camera. It's just hard to imagine that there's not gonna BE anymore "favorite moments". There's not gonna be you looking for me from the door. There's not gonna be my furball awake when I'm awake for me to talk to in the middle of the night... there's not gonna be you copying what I do.

It made me laugh that even though you're probably hurting right now, as I was watching you make your bed half an hour ago, you'd pick up seed shell's and throw them in your trash corner. Even though it's your final days you're still worried about your bed being clean lol. I guess you watch mommy too much huh? =)

Daddy told me not to be sad, because I said that I just wanted you to hit two years and I'll be happy. And daddy's right, I shouldnt be sad. That's all I (or any hamster owner) could ask for is that their baby reaches two years and lives the best, most loving life he/she can. And you did that, and I cant ask any more from you. And I dont want to, you've given me enough. I just hope you had a life full of love. Because I tried my best. I've rescued you so many times, and you've rescued me when I needed it the most.

Might sound silly to the other people reading this, how could a hamster save your life? If anyone saved me from the severe anxiety from my OCD when it took over the most, it was you. Every time I threw things around my room, I'd look at you, and see you staring at me, scared cause I was being loud... and I'd pick you up and talk to you and every thing felt okay.

I'm trying not to feel hopeless, and I'm trying not to be sad, I know I should be happy you made it this far. It just hurts me to see you suffering like this... I wish I could help you, but I cant anymore.

I'm not going to beg you to stay. If you need to go baby, then go. It's fine, we wont be mad at you. Go ahead and join Hammie baby, we'll be fine. We love you, k?