RIP Flixie...

Yesterday marked his 2 years & 2 months. He seemed fine yesterday afternoon, we fed him baby food and I was happy he was eating, we put him back in his cage right after I was done cleaning it & Martin kept telling me to put more food in his bowl so he could reach it... of course I thought he was crazy since Flix didnt have the energy to even GET to his food bowl in the passed week. Well, to my surprise, he went straight to his food bowl and pulled out a peice of food! Since that took most of his energy, I put him back in bed so he could rest.

After we ate dinner, we fed him again and he was doing fine, I cuddled and talked with him for awhile. Petting him to sleep next to me and stuff. We had put him back in his cage and he was struggling to move it seemed like, he'd lay there and he'd struggle to get up like he was forcing himself too, but at the same time he was bending his head too far backwards. He lost the ability to move his entire left side that morning (the day before it was just his left arm). It sorta freaked us out since we didnt know what he was doing, but he was swimming and struggling his way around his cage until he reached the door and started screaming so we took him out.

He doing the same thing in Martin's hands and on the floor. He finally calmed down and Martin had to leave, so he left the room but it turned out it wasnt my dad who came home so he came back in the room and Flix started doing it again, he called me over there & we took him out again where he continued to do it for another 20 minutes before he finally just laid there, gasping for air (the same way Hammie did, but not as bad). He then started taking deep breaths that started getting too far apart... and finally passed. We were petting him and talking to him when he passed, I'm glad we were both there...

What are the odd's that Martin had to come back & would catch that? When Martin had cleaned him that afternoon, he scurried between my arms since I was still laying down and laid with me. As crazy as it sounds, I think he was searching for us when he was in his cage.

After watching him slow down for a week and a half (I havent left my house in a week in a half except to go to class twice -- which is 3 times a week or to pick up Martin and come straight back because I was taking care of him...) a part of me feel's better that he's finally passed and "in a better place". Somewhere where his limbs work perfectly fine, somewhere where breathing isnt a struggle, somewhere where he has the energy to eat his favorite foods, but a world I'm not a part of just yet... I just hope when I see him again, he's the baby I remember him being.

We buried him today, and it took me forever to stop staring at him. I cant believe I'll never see him, smell him, kiss him good night, hug him, or watch over him anymore. No one to share my rice or tortilla with... no one to wake up & run to the door when I pull out the food bag to refill his bowl, no one to wake me up in the middle of the night from bitting the floor, no one's squeaks to wake me up or get me to run to his cage, no one to come home to, no one to calm me down, no more running under my bed, no more squeaky head, no more sweet face. No more blogs tagged with "flix", no more blogs about the silly things you did that day, no more waking up in the middle of the night and just watching you sleep when I cant. No more trying to wake you up from your bad dreams... I hope you're having good dreams right now.

I look at your cage and see it empty, and it's hard to believe... you're not in your room, you're not in your corner, the food bowl is still the way it was yesterday when you were still here. No more singing to you... which is what I felt like doing just now.

I know you didnt want to leave me. And I know you knew I didnt want you to either, and after trying to cry for the week and a half I was watching you, I cant hold it in anymore. Dont be mad, I didnt want you to see me cry esp when you cant run the door like you always do. I'll be okay, okay baby? Daddy will make sure... I hope (we know how daddy is lol).

I dont know what to say, everything I wanted to say, I told you yesterday while you were here. Thank you for always being here, for always waking up when I'd cry because my OCD was just too much. I know you picked up the habit of making sure your bed was clean because of me! Dont lie!! Hehe. Thank you for never getting angry no matter how many times I woke you up just to give you a kiss and put you back heh. You're still my bestest friend. And an amazing hamster. Even though you kept me home the passed week and a half, I enjoyed every minute of it. I miss taking care of you already. You're such a blessing and I hope you know that. You were always sick but every penny I spent taking you to the vet was worth it. Seeing you make it to two years old was rewarding. I know I took good care of you, and I know after you turned one I didnt take you for granted, maybe that's why I'm not crying as much as I thought I would... but it just hurts to know you're never gonna be here again.

Thank you, my fuzzy butt chubbykins. I love you. Sweet dreams k? No bad dreams. I'll be okay, okay? And I'll try to stop being scared of everything. I'll TRY k baby? No goodbye's. Til next time. Just like Hammie k? I'll see you both someday.

I miss you... so much...