RIP Flixie...

Yesterday marked his 2 years & 2 months. He seemed fine yesterday afternoon, we fed him baby food and I was happy he was eating, we put him back in his cage right after I was done cleaning it & Martin kept telling me to put more food in his bowl so he could reach it... of course I thought he was crazy since Flix didnt have the energy to even GET to his food bowl in the passed week. Well, to my surprise, he went straight to his food bowl and pulled out a peice of food! Since that took most of his energy, I put him back in bed so he could rest.

After we ate dinner, we fed him again and he was doing fine, I cuddled and talked with him for awhile. Petting him to sleep next to me and stuff. We had put him back in his cage and he was struggling to move it seemed like, he'd lay there and he'd struggle to get up like he was forcing himself too, but at the same time he was bending his head too far backwards. He lost the ability to move his entire left side that morning (the day before it was just his left arm). It sorta freaked us out since we didnt know what he was doing, but he was swimming and struggling his way around his cage until he reached the door and started screaming so we took him out.

He doing the same thing in Martin's hands and on the floor. He finally calmed down and Martin had to leave, so he left the room but it turned out it wasnt my dad who came home so he came back in the room and Flix started doing it again, he called me over there & we took him out again where he continued to do it for another 20 minutes before he finally just laid there, gasping for air (the same way Hammie did, but not as bad). He then started taking deep breaths that started getting too far apart... and finally passed. We were petting him and talking to him when he passed, I'm glad we were both there...

What are the odd's that Martin had to come back & would catch that? When Martin had cleaned him that afternoon, he scurried between my arms since I was still laying down and laid with me. As crazy as it sounds, I think he was searching for us when he was in his cage.

After watching him slow down for a week and a half (I havent left my house in a week in a half except to go to class twice -- which is 3 times a week or to pick up Martin and come straight back because I was taking care of him...) a part of me feel's better that he's finally passed and "in a better place". Somewhere where his limbs work perfectly fine, somewhere where breathing isnt a struggle, somewhere where he has the energy to eat his favorite foods, but a world I'm not a part of just yet... I just hope when I see him again, he's the baby I remember him being.

We buried him today, and it took me forever to stop staring at him. I cant believe I'll never see him, smell him, kiss him good night, hug him, or watch over him anymore. No one to share my rice or tortilla with... no one to wake up & run to the door when I pull out the food bag to refill his bowl, no one to wake me up in the middle of the night from bitting the floor, no one's squeaks to wake me up or get me to run to his cage, no one to come home to, no one to calm me down, no more running under my bed, no more squeaky head, no more sweet face. No more blogs tagged with "flix", no more blogs about the silly things you did that day, no more waking up in the middle of the night and just watching you sleep when I cant. No more trying to wake you up from your bad dreams... I hope you're having good dreams right now.

I look at your cage and see it empty, and it's hard to believe... you're not in your room, you're not in your corner, the food bowl is still the way it was yesterday when you were still here. No more singing to you... which is what I felt like doing just now.

I know you didnt want to leave me. And I know you knew I didnt want you to either, and after trying to cry for the week and a half I was watching you, I cant hold it in anymore. Dont be mad, I didnt want you to see me cry esp when you cant run the door like you always do. I'll be okay, okay baby? Daddy will make sure... I hope (we know how daddy is lol).

I dont know what to say, everything I wanted to say, I told you yesterday while you were here. Thank you for always being here, for always waking up when I'd cry because my OCD was just too much. I know you picked up the habit of making sure your bed was clean because of me! Dont lie!! Hehe. Thank you for never getting angry no matter how many times I woke you up just to give you a kiss and put you back heh. You're still my bestest friend. And an amazing hamster. Even though you kept me home the passed week and a half, I enjoyed every minute of it. I miss taking care of you already. You're such a blessing and I hope you know that. You were always sick but every penny I spent taking you to the vet was worth it. Seeing you make it to two years old was rewarding. I know I took good care of you, and I know after you turned one I didnt take you for granted, maybe that's why I'm not crying as much as I thought I would... but it just hurts to know you're never gonna be here again.

Thank you, my fuzzy butt chubbykins. I love you. Sweet dreams k? No bad dreams. I'll be okay, okay? And I'll try to stop being scared of everything. I'll TRY k baby? No goodbye's. Til next time. Just like Hammie k? I'll see you both someday.

I miss you... so much...

Flix never stops amazing me!

I heard Flix drinking some water so I rushed over there to say hi like I usually do. And usually these days he pays no mind and goes back to sleep since hes sick/old... I dont know what to call it really but he isnt feeling too well... more on that later.

But this time, he started sniffing in my direction and looking around. He has trouble getting out of bed but it looked like he wanted to play. So I stuck my hand in his cage (took off the top room) and he slowly walked out of his bed to get to my hand, he couldnt get completely out of bed but it looked like he wanted out so I took him out and had him crawl around, talked to him for a bit... looks like his legs are getting worse and worse everyday... but he's being so strong. You can tell that he's trying so hard to be strong and its really inspiring. He's such a cutie. I love his face, he just always brightens my day... I hope he knows that.

His body is getting colder & feeling more fragile by the day. But what happened today made me so happy. I was so excited to play with him and give him kisses. I gave him new food by his bed..

Oh I went to change his food in his food bowl and he WOULD wake up and try to get to his FOOD bowl! Haha. Fatty! Even being sick and old he still has energy for his food! Hehe. I love my baby boy!

To you, my friend...

I know this isnt a phase this time. I know there's no I hope he gets better. I know there's no use in rushing you to the vet in a hopeless panic and there's no vet thre to save my baby. I know the end is coming faster and faster and I'm trying to keep myself together so I can make you feel as comfortable as I can before you must leave me for good. I know you hear me when I talk to you, you've proved it many times before. And I know you can sense my sadness, so while you're asleep, I'll let it go but once I come back to check on you, I'll hold it in. I dont want you to know I'm sad, I know you know I'll miss you, and I want that to be enough.

It's crazy, you know. Just last week you were fine. You were being silly, you would come down the tube with ease, squeaking your butt off and you'd drink water and go back to your bed & sleep. No matter how many times you did it through the night, I'd wake up, force myself to flip over and watch you. Because I knew that that could be the last time I'll see you do something so simple with ease. I cant be mad at myself, I've spent every moment I could with you. I've never missed a time you came down searching for me no matter what I was doing, knowing you were awake I'd rush to your cage and talk to you. I've tried to capture every favorite moment of you on camera. It's just hard to imagine that there's not gonna BE anymore "favorite moments". There's not gonna be you looking for me from the door. There's not gonna be my furball awake when I'm awake for me to talk to in the middle of the night... there's not gonna be you copying what I do.

It made me laugh that even though you're probably hurting right now, as I was watching you make your bed half an hour ago, you'd pick up seed shell's and throw them in your trash corner. Even though it's your final days you're still worried about your bed being clean lol. I guess you watch mommy too much huh? =)

Daddy told me not to be sad, because I said that I just wanted you to hit two years and I'll be happy. And daddy's right, I shouldnt be sad. That's all I (or any hamster owner) could ask for is that their baby reaches two years and lives the best, most loving life he/she can. And you did that, and I cant ask any more from you. And I dont want to, you've given me enough. I just hope you had a life full of love. Because I tried my best. I've rescued you so many times, and you've rescued me when I needed it the most.

Might sound silly to the other people reading this, how could a hamster save your life? If anyone saved me from the severe anxiety from my OCD when it took over the most, it was you. Every time I threw things around my room, I'd look at you, and see you staring at me, scared cause I was being loud... and I'd pick you up and talk to you and every thing felt okay.

I'm trying not to feel hopeless, and I'm trying not to be sad, I know I should be happy you made it this far. It just hurts me to see you suffering like this... I wish I could help you, but I cant anymore.

I'm not going to beg you to stay. If you need to go baby, then go. It's fine, we wont be mad at you. Go ahead and join Hammie baby, we'll be fine. We love you, k?