RIP Bubblerz....

*sigh*.

I saw her on the 14th during Megan's birthday and she seemed fine. She was active, alert, and she seemed like Bubbles... like any other normal day. Martin said she was fine this morning, but when he came home... she was gone. Just like that. I cant think of a reason, then again I wasnt really there so how could I even come up with a reason?

The saddest part is that her one year was coming up. Nov 5th. I was really looking forward to it... I dont have many memories with her, but that doesnt mean that I dont love her, of course. We'll miss you Bubblerz. Even though you were hella bad. Say hi to Flix for us and try not to bite him! He didnt really like that last time. Be good up there baby girl, I'm sorry we couldnt take better care of you.... *sigh*.

I feel like I failed at being her mommy. Things have just gotten so... different without Flix. It still hurts to think about him. I guess I'm just keeping myself busy on purpose.

RIP Bubbles.
We love you.
110507 - 101708

RIP Flixie...

Yesterday marked his 2 years & 2 months. He seemed fine yesterday afternoon, we fed him baby food and I was happy he was eating, we put him back in his cage right after I was done cleaning it & Martin kept telling me to put more food in his bowl so he could reach it... of course I thought he was crazy since Flix didnt have the energy to even GET to his food bowl in the passed week. Well, to my surprise, he went straight to his food bowl and pulled out a peice of food! Since that took most of his energy, I put him back in bed so he could rest.

After we ate dinner, we fed him again and he was doing fine, I cuddled and talked with him for awhile. Petting him to sleep next to me and stuff. We had put him back in his cage and he was struggling to move it seemed like, he'd lay there and he'd struggle to get up like he was forcing himself too, but at the same time he was bending his head too far backwards. He lost the ability to move his entire left side that morning (the day before it was just his left arm). It sorta freaked us out since we didnt know what he was doing, but he was swimming and struggling his way around his cage until he reached the door and started screaming so we took him out.

He doing the same thing in Martin's hands and on the floor. He finally calmed down and Martin had to leave, so he left the room but it turned out it wasnt my dad who came home so he came back in the room and Flix started doing it again, he called me over there & we took him out again where he continued to do it for another 20 minutes before he finally just laid there, gasping for air (the same way Hammie did, but not as bad). He then started taking deep breaths that started getting too far apart... and finally passed. We were petting him and talking to him when he passed, I'm glad we were both there...

What are the odd's that Martin had to come back & would catch that? When Martin had cleaned him that afternoon, he scurried between my arms since I was still laying down and laid with me. As crazy as it sounds, I think he was searching for us when he was in his cage.

After watching him slow down for a week and a half (I havent left my house in a week in a half except to go to class twice -- which is 3 times a week or to pick up Martin and come straight back because I was taking care of him...) a part of me feel's better that he's finally passed and "in a better place". Somewhere where his limbs work perfectly fine, somewhere where breathing isnt a struggle, somewhere where he has the energy to eat his favorite foods, but a world I'm not a part of just yet... I just hope when I see him again, he's the baby I remember him being.

We buried him today, and it took me forever to stop staring at him. I cant believe I'll never see him, smell him, kiss him good night, hug him, or watch over him anymore. No one to share my rice or tortilla with... no one to wake up & run to the door when I pull out the food bag to refill his bowl, no one to wake me up in the middle of the night from bitting the floor, no one's squeaks to wake me up or get me to run to his cage, no one to come home to, no one to calm me down, no more running under my bed, no more squeaky head, no more sweet face. No more blogs tagged with "flix", no more blogs about the silly things you did that day, no more waking up in the middle of the night and just watching you sleep when I cant. No more trying to wake you up from your bad dreams... I hope you're having good dreams right now.

I look at your cage and see it empty, and it's hard to believe... you're not in your room, you're not in your corner, the food bowl is still the way it was yesterday when you were still here. No more singing to you... which is what I felt like doing just now.

I know you didnt want to leave me. And I know you knew I didnt want you to either, and after trying to cry for the week and a half I was watching you, I cant hold it in anymore. Dont be mad, I didnt want you to see me cry esp when you cant run the door like you always do. I'll be okay, okay baby? Daddy will make sure... I hope (we know how daddy is lol).

I dont know what to say, everything I wanted to say, I told you yesterday while you were here. Thank you for always being here, for always waking up when I'd cry because my OCD was just too much. I know you picked up the habit of making sure your bed was clean because of me! Dont lie!! Hehe. Thank you for never getting angry no matter how many times I woke you up just to give you a kiss and put you back heh. You're still my bestest friend. And an amazing hamster. Even though you kept me home the passed week and a half, I enjoyed every minute of it. I miss taking care of you already. You're such a blessing and I hope you know that. You were always sick but every penny I spent taking you to the vet was worth it. Seeing you make it to two years old was rewarding. I know I took good care of you, and I know after you turned one I didnt take you for granted, maybe that's why I'm not crying as much as I thought I would... but it just hurts to know you're never gonna be here again.

Thank you, my fuzzy butt chubbykins. I love you. Sweet dreams k? No bad dreams. I'll be okay, okay? And I'll try to stop being scared of everything. I'll TRY k baby? No goodbye's. Til next time. Just like Hammie k? I'll see you both someday.

I miss you... so much...

Flix never stops amazing me!

I heard Flix drinking some water so I rushed over there to say hi like I usually do. And usually these days he pays no mind and goes back to sleep since hes sick/old... I dont know what to call it really but he isnt feeling too well... more on that later.

But this time, he started sniffing in my direction and looking around. He has trouble getting out of bed but it looked like he wanted to play. So I stuck my hand in his cage (took off the top room) and he slowly walked out of his bed to get to my hand, he couldnt get completely out of bed but it looked like he wanted out so I took him out and had him crawl around, talked to him for a bit... looks like his legs are getting worse and worse everyday... but he's being so strong. You can tell that he's trying so hard to be strong and its really inspiring. He's such a cutie. I love his face, he just always brightens my day... I hope he knows that.

His body is getting colder & feeling more fragile by the day. But what happened today made me so happy. I was so excited to play with him and give him kisses. I gave him new food by his bed..

Oh I went to change his food in his food bowl and he WOULD wake up and try to get to his FOOD bowl! Haha. Fatty! Even being sick and old he still has energy for his food! Hehe. I love my baby boy!

To you, my friend...

I know this isnt a phase this time. I know there's no I hope he gets better. I know there's no use in rushing you to the vet in a hopeless panic and there's no vet thre to save my baby. I know the end is coming faster and faster and I'm trying to keep myself together so I can make you feel as comfortable as I can before you must leave me for good. I know you hear me when I talk to you, you've proved it many times before. And I know you can sense my sadness, so while you're asleep, I'll let it go but once I come back to check on you, I'll hold it in. I dont want you to know I'm sad, I know you know I'll miss you, and I want that to be enough.

It's crazy, you know. Just last week you were fine. You were being silly, you would come down the tube with ease, squeaking your butt off and you'd drink water and go back to your bed & sleep. No matter how many times you did it through the night, I'd wake up, force myself to flip over and watch you. Because I knew that that could be the last time I'll see you do something so simple with ease. I cant be mad at myself, I've spent every moment I could with you. I've never missed a time you came down searching for me no matter what I was doing, knowing you were awake I'd rush to your cage and talk to you. I've tried to capture every favorite moment of you on camera. It's just hard to imagine that there's not gonna BE anymore "favorite moments". There's not gonna be you looking for me from the door. There's not gonna be my furball awake when I'm awake for me to talk to in the middle of the night... there's not gonna be you copying what I do.

It made me laugh that even though you're probably hurting right now, as I was watching you make your bed half an hour ago, you'd pick up seed shell's and throw them in your trash corner. Even though it's your final days you're still worried about your bed being clean lol. I guess you watch mommy too much huh? =)

Daddy told me not to be sad, because I said that I just wanted you to hit two years and I'll be happy. And daddy's right, I shouldnt be sad. That's all I (or any hamster owner) could ask for is that their baby reaches two years and lives the best, most loving life he/she can. And you did that, and I cant ask any more from you. And I dont want to, you've given me enough. I just hope you had a life full of love. Because I tried my best. I've rescued you so many times, and you've rescued me when I needed it the most.

Might sound silly to the other people reading this, how could a hamster save your life? If anyone saved me from the severe anxiety from my OCD when it took over the most, it was you. Every time I threw things around my room, I'd look at you, and see you staring at me, scared cause I was being loud... and I'd pick you up and talk to you and every thing felt okay.

I'm trying not to feel hopeless, and I'm trying not to be sad, I know I should be happy you made it this far. It just hurts me to see you suffering like this... I wish I could help you, but I cant anymore.

I'm not going to beg you to stay. If you need to go baby, then go. It's fine, we wont be mad at you. Go ahead and join Hammie baby, we'll be fine. We love you, k?

No nail's....?

I was playing with & recording Flix today and while I was playing with him, I noticed his fingers & toes looked a little... off. So I took a closer look and realized that he was missing his nail's. On all of his fingers and all of his toes. No wonder he scratches so much! He has no nail's! I dont know why I didnt notice this sooner (since Martin "noticed it earlier" but didnt bother to tell me, like its not important I know, esp since we took him to the vet for his scratching problem? Sure.)... I wonder if this was happening before I took him for his itching problem or not. Perhaps not, I'm sure the vet would have caught on to that. But my poor baby! I hope it's not troubling him too much and I wish I had seen this sooner. I feel horrible :(

Other then that, he was really active and hyper when I came home today. Lately he's been awake and active when I come home... so that's really comforting. He doesnt seem like a hamster who's two years old, when hes awake he seems like how he did when he was younger. It's just after waking him up when you can feel how old and how fragile he is. But he's still my baby. And I'm so blessed he's okay and healthy right now.

I'm going to call the vet in the morning and ask about his nail's...

Flixie's SECOND birthday!!!

I swear I posted an entry everywhere, how did I forget to post one here?!? His birthday was on Dec 28th 2007 but I accidently forgot again and took Dec 29th off from work. I think I showered him more with kisses and "happy birthdays" on the 28th lol. I took a few pictures, but I had work that day so I couldnt spend too much time with him. The 29th, daddy had work so we couldnt really do anything special for the little one. I didnt get around to making him a cake since I was so tired from working all week and it wouldnt be the same without daddy. Besides, the little one spent all day sleeping.

He had his SECOND Christmas too!! Which he also spent, sleeping lol. It's been really cold lately so I dont blame him. I get jealous he gets to sleep in his nice warm bed and I dont, I have to go to work! lol.

Hes still full of energy and lately he's been awake when I come home, ready to play. Which makes me very happy. But when hes sleeping, if you wake him up you feel just how fragile he's getting. He sleeps deep now too, and when its cold a few pokes wake him up. Not moving the cage around, not opening the door to the upstairs room... I cant help but think about the times when any little sound woke him up. There was thunder earlier this week and he didnt even seem scared by it, he sat there & kept eating his seed! Amazing. My favorite thing to do when he wakes up is make a loose fist with my hand and he'll stick his nose in the hole where you thumb and index finger is. Its the cutest thing ever. Sometimes I wake him up just so he'll do it hehe.

He's getting to the point where when he bathes, if he scratches too far of his back he'll fall over. He actually just falls over a lot lately. He doesnt grip you with his nails anymore =( hes my old man now, but I still love him to pieces. He'll always be my baby.

I know I should be happy he made it to his second birthday and I know I should be happy hes still well and active but I cant help but worry. I know he wouldnt want mommy worried every single day, but I cant help it, hes my baby. I wanna make sure hes ALWAYS okay. I know I'm lucky to be blessed with him for this long, I know I did something right. But I just wish... he'd live forever. I hate thinking about it, but I know he hasnt much time left either way. So I spend as much time as I can with him. I should be happy, I know, what more could I ask for right? But at the same time, I know I'll be destroyed.

I just hope he knows how much I love him and how much he means to me...

Meet BUBBLES!

We got her on Nov 5th 2007 at Petco in Fairfield (the same place we got Goomba). She's really tiny and fluffy and shes fulllll of energy. She also managed to bite a hole in her Petco box on the way home (two of them actually). I know we said we were gonna try a rat this time, but we couldnt pass her up. She was active at Petco and its rare to see that in hamsters sold there. We just hope she isnt secretly sick. Cause that would suck.